I was soaking up the remnants of good conversation with a colleague and the welcome mat of the Elk Refuge bathed in morning sunlight, waving over my shoulder as he ducked into his office entrance at the hospital. The reflection of my dogs’ wagging tails caught my eye in a window as we worked our way around the building; I stopped short, and my smile evaporated.

Most of us with any leadership responsibility or appetite for socializing have heard or uttered the words, “OK, I’m off to see and be seen.” Whether we say those words out of Fear of Missing Out or a need to make good on an obligation, the words don’t really evoke a sense of depth or weight.

A friend recently sent me an article with a lengthy argument about “what the data say” when it comes to police violence against people of color, Black men in particular. The author made a logical and coherent argument, which my friend felled with one observation: “the data don’t tell the story about why moms of color still need to worry about the safety of their children in a way that I don’t.”

When my older son, Pete, was 8 weeks old, I did an overnight trip with a friend. I wanted to prove that I would be able to maintain myself and my psyche, now that I had become a parent and my heartbeat was inside someone else’s chest. My plan didn’t work. As soon as my friend fell asleep, I cried until the sun came up (what a waste of sleep time in a hotel room!) and then fabricated a story about Pete refusing to eat. I was back in my mom-life 90 minutes later.

I admit it. Sometimes I don’t feel like being a better person. I yell at my kids, even though they are a foot taller than I am and obviously bored by what I say, even at high decibels. (The shoes at the front door, again? Do they breed overnight? I can’t even.) Or I go for the joke at someone’s expense or make a snide remark about someone’s politics. I am usually thinking, as I reach for the cheap dopamine hit, “I won’t be such a jerk tomorrow.”

We are scrambling to make sense of things in the face of huge uncertainties in our communities, our families, our health, our work, our lives…

A few years back, I participated in a small group discussion with a diverse group of strangers. At one point, I made a remark about overcoming the brutality of polarizing politics and leading from where we stood. Within seconds, I felt the petite black woman next to me bristle. “Easy for you to say. You know nothing about structural racism.” She turned away from me.