The infinite loop of 2020.
Yes, this is really still happening. COVID is still here. The Presidential debate featured taunting and heckling on stage, a depressing human cage fight. Local politics offer little relief. The legitimate hurt of victims of violence, bias, assault, and illness continues to ooze from the corners where it’s been relegated -- demanding, finally, to be seen.
We have hard work in front of us. We need better tools. After months on a razor wire of hyper-vigilance, energy sucked away by worry and distraction, we are thirsty for ideas. How do we keep going? How do we press on? Why can’t everyone just shut up and be nicer, already?
Here’s what’s frustrating: I can see very clearly what “other people” should do and let’s be clear...I’m not wrong. I mean, do grown, powerful, highly educated men need to be told to use their inside voices? How many different ways do marginalized people need to explain death by 1,000 biases? Do women really need to explain consent? Why is the zipper merge so impossible for Jackson drivers?
I revisited a favorite practice a few weeks ago, and I think it’s helping. I say that because I am not in jail, and I have not rear-ended you at the Broadway/Pearl intersection. It’s a mindfulness practice often called a “connection” or “compassion” practice. Old-school meditators call this a lovingkindness practice, a way to describes the intent to cultivate human capacities that strengthen our empathy, connection, and basic respect for human decency. (Obviously, we need to cultivate a few of these things.)
It works like this: Call to mind someone you really love or admire (this spot often goes to my dog), someone who is neutral to you (like the store clerk or the bus driver), and someone who is difficult for you. Start with yourself. And then, one at a time, send the three other people kind wishes using your own version of the phrases below. Finish by wishing good things for everyone, everywhere.
May [insert name] be happy.
May [insert name] be healthy.
May [insert name] be safe.
May [insert name] live with ease.
And so on . . .
The third person on your list – the difficult one -- is often where we go awry. You don’t start with the most challenging person on the planet. Rather, start with someone you need help connecting with or someone with whom you have conflict. A week ago Monday, I failed to take this good advice and chose the most difficult person on the planet (no, Tim, it’s not you). It was hard. It didn’t make me feel better. But something else did.
I remembered someone advising me that if I was trying without success to make progress with a person who triggers me, I should instead find difficult qualities in myself and direct the kind phrases there. Turns out what infuriates me the most about other people are the qualities in them that hit close to home...my own indignation, arrogance, or impatience. Ten days later I’m still at it. I’ve got plenty of material to work with.
My life has not changed overnight. Like you, I carry many of today’s worries around with me -- in tension, heartache, sleeplessness. But I can tell you that getting a more accurate picture of what’s going on with me has been a much more productive exercise than yelling at cable news.
With love and gratitude,
Sara and the Becoming Jackson Whole team
This 8-minute Loving Kindness Practice by Amy Manhart encourages connection with our larger community through the silent expression of well-wishes for people we know, people we encounter in our daily routines, and people who challenge us.