What to Do With Anger (and Other Big Emotions)

We recently received an email—a plea, really—from a treasured frontline professional and avid reader of our content, asking simply, “What can mindfulness do about anger?”

This reader, “Jane,” said she appreciated the positive tone of the daily emails, but found reaching for positive emotions in the face of real anger too simplistic.

What should we do, she wondered, when the wounds are too deep, the trust too lacking, to find a silver lining? She was also deeply aware that her inability to move out of her anger made her feel worse and heightened her stress about the whole situation.  

First, we want to say to anyone experiencing gripping, negative emotions, we’re sorry. And we’re with you.

Living through the pandemic has chiseled away the facade that there is a way to experience life without pain. It’s simply part of being human. 

Anger and other intense emotions are normal and necessary facets of living.

Feeling angry in itself is 100% OK. The goal of mindfulness practice is to respond to anger (yours or others) more skillfully, rather than react. And here’s the most inspiring part: Research indicates that you don’t have to learn or remember any specific practice or understand why mindfulness works to benefit in the moment.Simply having practiced—even small amounts, regularly—primes your brain and body for better response when anger arises.  

So, what do we recommend for people feeling big emotions? Here are a few ideas.  

Put on your own mask first.

Be kind to your mind with compassion toward yourself—first, by acknowledging that life is hard for all of us at times, and second, by reminding yourself that you aren’t bad or wrong for feeling what you feel. You’re simply human. Finally, steady yourself with a phrase you can repeat, like, “I’m OK. This will change and pass.” Or simply, “This will pass.” 

Notice the sensation of the emotion, with no attempt to change it.

Simply shine the flashlight of attention on the sensations of the emotion, where the anger takes hold in the body, and use that anchor to watch what happens. You’ll likely notice that the sensations are short-lived, about 90 seconds, and while unpleasant, not usually that significant. Often our desire to resist, outrun or wriggle free of the negative zone, reaching for positivity, only adds to the suffering. So, let yourself off the hook. Just watch the emotion get big, then change, then subside. 

Tell someone.

When you can, tell your story. Share with a friend, family member, or medical professional. Share with your dog or in a journal entry or with an honest answer when someone asks how you’re doing. “Not that great today,” is a better answer than, “Fine,” when you’re not. Actively acknowledging what you’re really feeling is itself a mindfulness practice and will increase your emotional literacy overall. Practice labeling your emotions out loud, to people or pets, or by writing them down. 

Remember that mindfulness practice is not about sugaring over hard stuff.

It is simply practicing noticing what is really going on, without making it worse by envisioning how much more could go wrong. 

But, "Jane" and others might ask, does mindfulness work in the most common of conflicts, such as, within a marriage? Yes, according to a study published in Mindfulness. Researchers found two important markers: that partners with mindfulness training exhibited better heart rate variability and lower systolic blood pressure during conflict over something both they and their partner felt strongly about.

AND—get this—when one partner had practiced mindfulness, their partner registered better heart readings during conflict, too, regardless of their own experience with mindfulness. Two people affected by the practice of one? That’s pretty rad. 

In this sense, the smallest instance of forgiving yourself, for noticing your negative thoughts and letting them go, is radical.

Awareness of beauty, of connection, of awe beyond yourself is radical. Really listening to the opinions and perspective of others is radical.  

Any effort we each invest to make our minds more nimble when burdened by stress and adversities is radical. Literally changing our own minds is powerful.  

Small acts. Big impacts.