by Sara Flitner

You know that friend who, when asked how things are going, always answers, “If I were any better, there’d be two of me?”

I am sure you are a good person, but say your dog just threw up in the unfortunate path of your bare foot. Or maybe you just learned you must replace the freezer, which is expensive, and also means weeks and weeks without ice cream. So, it would be understandable if the first idea that popped into your head was to get a giant roll of duct tape and figure out how to shut the two of them up.

When we asked our readers recently to give us feedback on our Daily Acts emails, we wanted to parse out what kinds of practices were making a difference and providing benefit. Is it breath practices to focus attention? Affirmations (short “I” statements to ground yourself with awareness and interrupt repetitive and negative thought patterns)? Self-care practices?

Breath practices—a simple way to focus attention by concentrating completely on the sensation of breathing—is well-used and familiar to many. My go-to is to simply pause any time I feel activated long enough to take three, deep, full breaths. It’s enough to avoid a giant reaction.

As for self-care—well, about 2.5% of us seem to have any idea what it might mean. Admittedly, I actually Googled, “What is self-care?” a few years ago. Spoiler alert: it’s not a manicure. Self-care really has to do with listening attentively to yourself and then doing what you learn from the listening. Rest when you need to rest. Reach out when you need to connect. Slow down as much as possible.

Affirmations pulled ahead in our reader survey, neck-and-neck with “all of the above.” Many people reported using the short affirming phrases throughout the day to refocus and reset themselves in the face of conflict or upset.

One reader’s observation got my attention, though. “I considered ceasing…these [affirmation] emails,” they wrote. “Mindless positivity. Sometimes we are doing something wrong, and we need to reflect on that and figure out how to change it.”

Yes. This reader is absolutely right, and this response gives me a chance to double-click on the difference between affirming yourself and depriving yourself with the use of false or rote positivity.

Affirming phrases are designed to soften the brain’s bias to see every possible problem in every situation. We evolved to scan for danger, and we got rewarded with our very survival. Kind of genius.

But as society has evolved, the threat to our wellness looks more like a persistent, exhausting bully than saber-toothed tiger. Also different, this threat comes in the form a negative voice that preys on our peace of mind. It calls on stress, which fuels the mind to be overactive in all the doom and gloom bag of tricks. A constant inner script of the negatives (“I aways say the dumbest things,” or “I’ll never be thin,”) is not going to kill you instantaneously. But over time it can fracture your attention span, wear you down, and lock you in a mental check mate. The wear and tear on our central nervous system from this incessant drumbeat is a known predictor of burnout, anxiety, and depression.

When we actively and intentionally rewrite our script from inner critic to something more like a friendly coach, we replace the useless mental handwringing with reminders that we can do something differently. Phrases that are affirming like, “I am OK in this moment,” can get you back in the landscape of relief and action. If your writing assignment at work is just not getting done because you spend your writing time worrying about how bad your writing is, you’re not going to make progress. But if you replace the thought, “I can’t do this; my writing sucks,” with, “I choose to let this go and write,” you’re likely to get a better result.

Thanks to all of you who read and weighed in. And thanks to the bold voice who gave us a chance to dig into the difference between resourcing yourself with practices that ground you and diffuse wishful thinking.

So here’s an affirmation, from us to you. First, step away from the duct tape.

“I have dignity. I have worth. Right here, right now.”

Affirmation v. Mindless Positivity